250 Funniest Office Jokes, Memos, & Cartoon Pinups - Volume 1
From the collection of Adam Warlock.
This book contains a vast collection of humorous sayings & memos suitable for every office or workplace. “There must be something to reincarnation. It's hard to believe that I could get this far behind in only one lifetime”, “If it wasn't for the last minute in this office, nothing would ever get done!”, “Do you want it done yesterday or do you want it done right?”, “Since I have used all my sick days...I am calling in dead!”, “Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part,.” “The incredible is done here daily, the impossible takes a little bit longer!!” These are samples of the pinups in this huge 256 page volume. Also included are hilarious pages such as: “Arses Asses,” “Achtenshun,” “Attaboy,” “Career Woman,” “Death & Taxes,” “Harassment,” “Hunter's Motto,” “Kwicherdambichen,” “Last Great Act,” “Mareseatoats,” “Nasty Attitude,” “Our Guarantee,” “Secretary's Prayer,” & hundreds more! Filled with hours of fun & laughter.
Hundreds of humorous sayings and hilarious memos are packed into an intriguing collection, which will attract office workers around the country. Gems culled from staff workshops, company memos, and complaint departments, among other sources, promise to provide hours of fun.
Anyone with a sense of humor who has worked in an office setting will thoroughly enjoy this large assortment of jokes and memos. Many of the quips and puns apply to life in general-funny outside the office, too! A great office gift, especially for Christmas, Bosses Day, Secretary’s Day, Co-workers birthday or April Fool’s Day.
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250 Reasons why you should buy the book,
"250 Funniest Office Jokes, Memos & Cartoon Pinups Volume One"
1. If you throw it away, it won't come flying back at you like those dangerous Australian boomerangs.
2. Can help improve your posture if you walk around with it balanced on top of your head.
3. Portable bases for junior's baseball games.
4. Ecological reasons - several trees sacrificed their lives so this book could be printed - please don't let them die in vain.
5. A good replacement for the college textbooks you can't afford because you already blew all your tuition money on beer.
6. The publisher is eighteen quadrillion dollars in debt.
7. One book will produce 17,843,642 confetti dots. (Half the price of those store bought bags.)
8. Roll up pages and stick in mouth and do that walrus imitation that brought the house down at the Swenson’s last lawn party.
9. As punishment, have students stand at the front of the class, arms extended and palms up with five books in each hand. (Recommended for the Catholic and military schools only!!)
10. It has a beautiful four-color cover - suitable for framing and hanging in home or office.
11. Fifty-eight books in a sealed five-gallon bucket will make an excellent boat anchor.
12. Hang the janitor signs on pages 110 & 111 in the restrooms at work.
13. Create interesting mobile to hang above baby's crib.
14. During cold weather, stack books in a dome shape, add water and have a sturdy, durable igloo for the neighbor kids.
15. Pages may be used for paper cut research.
16. Weighs over a pound . . . Makes great paperweight.
17. Good gift for your grandparents . . . Big type!!
18. They make great doormats at farm auctions.
19. Gives you something entertaining to do while your boss is away on vacation.
20. In the event of a toilet paper shortage this book should last several weeks.
21. Perfect gift for dyslectics when read in a mirror.
22. When cut diagonally, half a book may be used to replace a missing or broken sundial pointer.
23. Two boxes of books and broomstick = 80# barbell.
24. May be used as chew block for your pet gerbils.
25. Instead of burying the hatchet with (or in) your boss you can simply throw this thick book at him.
26. This book has nutritional value, you don't buy it and we don't eat.
27. Quickly becomes a best friend for your pet rock.
28. With a just little seasoning it tastes like wild hickory nuts. (No, seriously.)
29. When placed on various parts of your body while tanning you can create unique designs and patterns.
30. With a little imagination it can be crafted into a beautiful centerpiece for the dining room table.
31. By simply adding a hook it makes a rather festive Christmas tree ornament.
32. It can be installed on your car to replace lost bumper guard.
33. On hot summer days it makes a nice handheld fan.
34. Doubles as both a broom and a dustpan.
35. Pages make good placemats at comedy clubs.
36. Inspirational material for death row inmates.
37. Place your money, pictures and credit cards in between pages and use as wallet or purse.
38. Better than dry kindling wood to start a campfire.
39. Possible cure for hiccups . . . Tape mouth shut, put fingers in ears, and read the book.
40. Can be buried in a cornerstone or time capsule to confuse future generations.
41. Helps promote new growth . . . Buy this book and the author can afford to write another.
42. Makes a great floatation device for mother - in - law's yippy little pet poodle when at the lake.
43. Another ecological reason . . . Prevents them from adding to the landfill problem.
44. Light book for inexpensive grand finale of family fireworks display.
45. Makes great scratch pad . . . For the family cat.
46. Wrap your church hymnal cover over it and only pretend to sing on Sunday.
47. Use pages to line microwave when warming chili.
48. A valuable prize for fundraising raffle.
49. Read it backwards and upside down (very slowly and with a weird falsetto voice) at your next Satanic midnight ritual.
50. Junior may use to replace lost manual for his next Boy Scout meeting.
51. Use it to start the fire at your next ban - the - book gathering.
52. Tear out pages to use as oil dipstick wipers.
53. Great tutorial for those important increasing - sense - of - humor seminars.
54. Read in bed to cure insomnia.
55. Cut out the large letters to paste on your next ransom note.
56. When stuck in snow or mud shove books under tire for traction.
57. Helps pass the time in the bathroom when nothing else is happening.
58. Mash and dry pretty flowers between the pages.
59. If all the copies were laid end to end, they would stretch from here to way the hell over there.
60. Pages make great bird cage liners. (And might amuse Tweetie, the bird, too!)
61. Inexpensive place to store all your rare bookmarks.
62. When planted behind their lines it will occupy the enemy while you carry out your ambush.
63. In case of emergency it can double as a road flare.
64. More fun in bed than your spouse.
65. Pages can be used in quality assurance department of paper shredder factory.
66. Great material to check your stapler on.
67. May be used to build a fleet of paper airplanes.
68. Bolt to car bumper as temporary license plate.
69. Crumple up pages for furniture and pillow stuffing.
70. Decorative file folder and clipboard all in one.
71. Give to real ugly (and dumb) folks at the office to use as mirror.
72. Take to next wedding, family reunion or funeral to help you stay awake.
73. Four books = double roll of wall paper. (average 20 books per 10 x 12 room)
74. Great looking cigarette ashtray for your desktop.
75. Paste important looking folder over cover and walk around office acting busy.
76. Flash cartoon pages at other drivers on highway.
77. Emergency scratchpad if your "250 Funniest Office Jokes" skratchpad runs out.
78. Throw at television every time Jack Lord says, "Book 'em, Danno".
79. Mix with water and paste for paper mache projects.
80. Two books = one pair of mudflaps.
81. It's tax deductible . . . Well, it is office material!
82. Shove under short leg of desk to level desktop.
83. Smash those pesky, flying insects with it.
84. Good, clean alternative to Gary Larsen’s Far Side.
85. Hide behind it when picking your nose at your desk.
86. Makes great fillers for half empty book shelves.
87. Pages are the same size as 100 yard rifle and shot-gun targets.
88. Use pages to wrap fine china next time you move.
89. Use as a pillow at your desk.
90. May even save lives. (especially if issued to those disgruntled Postal workers)
91. Soak up spills around the office.
92. Thick pages make great masking paper for spray painting applications.
93. Tear out pages and use for coffee filters.
94. Sell book to Hari Krishnas at airport, tell them it's your bible.
95. Doubles as chopping block in the kitchen.
96. Perfect book for junior to do his book report on.
97. Pages make great row markers for gardens.
98. Read it, memorize it, recite from it often . . . Become a pillar of your community.
99. Place one book on each shoulder under dress to pad shoulders like Linda Evans or Joan Collins.
100. Makes other employees wonder what the heck you're up to when you laugh out loud.
101. Replacement for your mother - in - laws picture with all the dart holes in it your desk.
102. Hide behind it while using the vanity mirror at your desk.
103. Use page to blow your nose on instead of a Kleenex and then leave it on somebody’s desk.
104. Because the voices in your head want you to.
105. Books may be used as valuable bartering material in countries that will not accept either cash or American Express.
106. Use jokes in book as pick - up lines at the bar.
107. They make the perfect additive for compost piles.
108. Tear out pages to wrap fish at the meat market.
109. Impress girlfriend by grasping firmly and tearing in half. (The book, not your girlfriend!!)
110. Take to restaurants and use as booster chair.
111. Stand on it when kissing date goodnight.
112. The pages can be used instead of poker chips in friendly card games.
113. State patrols often accept these books instead of a cash bribe to get out of a traffic ticket.
114. Give to visiting mother - in - law to shut her up for a few hours.
115. Take on vacation and allow junior to color in the cartoon pictures to keep him quiet.
116. Use at dentists' office instead of laughing gas.
117. Leave it with milk and cookies for Santa Claus.
118. Stand on book to get into top drawer of four drawer file cabinet.
119. Backer board for dartboard with boss's picture.
120. Stuff pages in that space around your window air conditioner.
121. Use as fax coversheets to people you don't know.
122. Hillbillies use as family heirlooms.
123. Wad up pages and stuff in underwear or bra for that big first - date impression.
124. The picture of the fella on page 81 looks just like your Uncle Fred.
125. Read to your plants when you are tired of just talking to them.
126. Loose pages stuffed under drafty doors can actually reduce energy usage.
127. Pages 18, 32, 63, and 149 are suitable eye chart replacements in ophthalmologists' offices.
128. Paste 533 books together and you will have a 400 inch thick book!!
129. Store book in original wrapper and keep for a future collectors item.
130. Cheaper than buying girlfriend or secretary a dozen roses.
131. This book makes a cheap food substitute for your pet goat, Seymour.
132. No animals were harmed during the production of the book.
133. Learn the sixteen international rules to playing bedroom golf. (On page 18.)
134. Use the book to help inspire you when writing your wedding vows.
135. Strap books to knees and elbows when roller skating or skateboarding.
136. Drop from airplane near a group of natives and return later to see if they have developed a religion based on it.
137. During squirrel season sit in a tree, reading aloud and acting like a nut. Even if the squirrels aren't convinced you're a nut,
the other hunters certainly will be.
138. Test the new office paper shredder with it.
139. Just add string for a colorful pair of sandals.
140. Because your mother - in - law wouldn't approve.
141. It's required reading to enter clown school.
142. Nearly 30% of the gross profits are generously "donated" to the I. R. S. every year.
143. Gives dear old granny something to read besides the obituary columns.
144. Feed it to your pet bookworms.
145. Bolt to ceiling of car and use as sun visor.
146. Doubles as wood chocks under airplane tires.
147. Use instead of rolled up newspaper when house-breaking pitbull puppy.
148. Let junior chew the corners off this jokebook, rather than your $200 Audubon wildlife book.
149. If you become lost while camping and have no bread crumbs, leave a trail of book pages.
150. Use as ballast in your hot air balloon.
151. Great starter food for your new termite farm.
152. Substitute the Klugetran P. A. T. Test on page with your college professor's final exam.
153. Round off corners and use as a spare "donut" tire. (Not recommended at speeds over 90 M. P. H.)
154. Despite rumors these books are NOT filled with radioactive isotopes. It is totally natural for them to glow in the dark like that.
155. Highly recommended by 9 out of 10 crash testdummies. (Oops, sorry. We meant impact enhanced and examination experienced, learning challenged)
156. In the event of a fire in the office . . . Throw in.
157. A gift your boss or secretary really deserves.
158. Because we said so!
159. Use as reference material to help you write a living will.
160. Just toss a few pages in the ol' blender with a cup of milk and a raw egg for high - fiber drink.
161. Because a rose by any other name smells just as sweet. (Okay, because we said so!)
162. It's a rip - roaring hilarious book, overflowing with really funny stuff. We almost smiled once.
163. This space for rent.
164. Because they said that it couldn't be done, so we did this book instead!!
165. To convince the girl scout council to sell these instead of those tired, old cookies.
166. This compendium of acrimonious jocularity and whimsicality manifestations a predominance of consummate facetiousness.
167. This novel explains exactly where Jimmy Hoffa is, why Elvis Presley is living in Louisiana, those strange extraterrestrial circles in our crops and even the answers to questions you have recently had about your spouse. (Okay, not really. But our sales just increased by 10%!)
168. Because we said so! (Did we already say that?)
169. It's another fine quality item from the folks at Knightraven Books. (This was not a paid advertisement. Did that sound sincere?)
170. Because it contains two, not just one, of those nifty table of contents pages.
171. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
172. It will increase your sexual prowess. (Or at least reinforce your delusions of such.)
173. The ultraviolet coating on the cover melts in your mouth not in your hands.
174. Just reading this jokebook will give you fuller, more manageable hair.
175. Product contains no polyunsaturated fats and is low in cholesterol. (Artificial colors and preservatives added to enhance appearance only.)
176. Many savings & loan institutions will accept this book in lieu of down payment on house or car.
177. Better than Mydol in relieving that P. M. S. Angst.
178. Replaces missing hideaway headlight cover on your sports car.
179. Doubles as oven mitts or hot pads in kitchen.
180. Psychiatrists worldwide flip book upside down and use the cartoon pages for Rorschach test.
181. It's Ray Charles favorite jokebook.
182. Provides free guide to safe fax and the proper use of coversheets to prevent receiving those undesirable faxual transmissions.
(On page 185.)
183. They make a great stocking stuffers at Christmas.
184. Use as bottle or can cozy.
185. Highly rated attic insulation . . . And it doesn't make you itch! (Lay down a layer (3) three books thick for an R - 40 insulation rating)
186. After cooking bacon, place between pages to soak up the excess grease. (3 books per pound of bacon.)
187. Contains humorous versions of both the long and short 1040 tax forms.
188. Guaranteed not to clog, run, drip or smear.
189. A less fattening gift for your valentine sweetheart than a big chocolate kiss.
190. Superglue plastic tree on top and use for island in the your turtle's bowl.
191. It's a better wedding present than a toaster.
192. Guaranteed to make you funnier than Homer Simpson. (but not, unfortunately, Bart or O. J.)
193. Poke two holes in it, add rubber band and wear to Halloween party as the unknown comic ii.
194. Offers five (5) entire pages of Murphy’s laws.
195. Emergency bath drain plug, place over drain and stand on firmly.
196. If you die with this book, you can take it with you when you go.
197. Money back guarantee - 100% satisfaction or your money tearfully refunded.
198. More fun in your bathtub than a rubber ducky.
199. This book is an equal opportunity offender . . . it pokes fun at electricians, architects, doctors, lawyers, plumbers, secretaries and many more.
200. Offers advice on sexual harassment on page 90.
201. It's a great book to help you overcome your phobias: cherophobia, gelophobia, papyrophobia, bibliophobia, and logophobia. (Fears of being happy, laughing, paper, books and words.) (Boy, have you got problems. Sheesh!)
202. Coffee cup warmer. Just plug extension cord into side of book and it's certain to get real warm.
203. Tape or glue pages over holes in walls at home from last fight with spouse.
204. Makes great nesting material for wild birds after being fed through shredder back at number 138.
205. Much more entertaining than that old sensory deprivation tank.
206. Spray with perfume and hang in closet as sachet.
207. Filler material for those holes in the back yard.
208. Amusement toy for the orangutans at the zoo.
209. Twelve books = one footstool.
210. Stuffing for police department bulletproof flak jackets. (See department requisition cutbacks.)
211. Alternative replacements for the missing cedar shakes on the garage roof.
212. Sell mass quantities to military to replace those defective tank treads. (See the aforementioned requisition cutbacks.)
213. It is certain to be a collector's item!! (The most sought after book in second - hand shops.)
214. Carpenters can use bandsaw to cut 256 paper dolls at one time.
215. Small child's rope swing - superglue all the pages together, drill 1/2" hole through middle and attach to tree limb with rope.
216. Use pages as paper plates at office birthdays.
217. Great paint blotter for both oil and acrylics.
218. It's more successful than the Chevy Chase show.
219. Strap to feet as either snowshoes or skis.
220. Leave in hotel room in place of Gideon’s bible.
221. After walking through cow pasture, use book to scrape cow patties off shoes.
222. Throw pages into clothes dryer for fresh smell and eliminate static cling. (One book = 124 loads.)
223. Replace missing weathervane on roof of barn.
224. Cheaper than all - you - can - eat salad bar and won't leave you feeling bloated. (Although your stomach might still hurt from laughing.)
225. Wrap in aluminum foil and place on television as antenna or place on head to keep the Venusians from taking over your brain.
226. Use for kneeling pad when working in garden.
227. To complete the circle of life, after composting (See number 107.), place around base of trees and shrubs as fertilizer.
228. In emergency, pages can be used as baby diapers - more absorbent than pampers.
229. Replace the most wanted posters at post office with cartoon faces in book.
230. Become hometown spitball champion.
231. Store below ten degrees Fahrenheit and use as freezer block for beer cooler.
232. Wear as colorful necklace at Mardi Gras.
233. Tear out pages and use to scrub kitchen sink and countertops. (Better than Handi – wipes.)
234. Replace missing fan blade with the book cover.
235. Carpenter can use as both miter box and hammer.
236. Replace bible in courtroom for witness swear - in.
237. Tear out pages and use as dress shields.
238. Perfect academic curriculum at insane asylum, after all, about half the jokes came from there. (Asylum . . . Office, what's the big difference?!)
239. Add flavoring to pages and chew for bubblegum substitute. (No sugar and won't ruin your appetite or pull out your fillings.)
240. Let granny sit on it while driving the car so she can finally see over the dashboard.
241. Place in refrigerator to absorb any nasty odors. (Works better than baking soda.)
242. Use as trip switch in bookcase to open the secret compartment hidden behind it.
243. Prevents male pattern baldness . . . Or at least it doesn't cause it!
244. Book is packaged by volume not weight . . . No settling should occur during shipping.
245. Simple homemade hot water bottle - place book in Ziploc bag and add hot water.
246. Required graduation cap at all clown schools.
247. Pages taste better than those wonderful, great-tasting rice cakes.
248. Replaces lost canoe paddle on next float trip.
249. Place box of books in trunk, instead of sand, to help provide better traction in the deep snow.
250. Cut 3" diameter hole in middle and use as baby toilet training seat.
251. Read it?
Ha. You didn't think we could do it, did you? Well, that's okay. Neither did we!! If you enjoyed this page
Of silliness you will really enjoy our jokebooks.
For more information on
250 Funniest Office Jokes, Memos, & Cartoon Pinups Volume 1
please visit our website at
http://wwwpulpheroesmorethanmortal.webs.com/
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Item Specifics
Category: Office Humor Format: Deluxe Trade Paperback Condition: New/Mint
Author: Adam Warlock Price: $12.95 Length: 256 pages
Height: 8.5 in. Width: 5.5 In. Thickness: .75 in. Weight: 16 oz.
Quantity: 50 Available Publisher: Knightraven Books ISBN: 0-9638942-1-8
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