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Details about  ANTIQUE Signed LANDSCAPE Oil Painting HORRIBLE CONDITION But IT DON’T STINK MUCH

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ANTIQUE Signed LANDSCAPE Oil Painting HORRIBLE CONDITION But IT DON’T STINK MUCH
ANTIQUE-Signed-LANDSCAPE-Oil-Painting-HORRIBLE-CONDITION-But-IT-DON-T-STINK-MUCH
Item Sold
Item condition:
--not specified
Ended:
Aug 11, 2012
Winning bid:
US $42.99
12 bids ]
Shipping:
FREE Standard Shipping | See details
Item location:
Fairfield, Ohio, United States

Description

eBay item number:
360478156047
Seller assumes all responsibility for this listing.

Item specifics

Original/Reproduction: Original Style: Impressionism
Listed By: Dealer or Peddler Size Type/Largest Dimension: 20"
Signed?: Signed Date of Creation: 1800-1899
Medium: Oil Region of Origin: US
Subject: RURAL LANDSCAPE Condition: EMBARRASSING, to a lesser man
IMMEDIATE – PROFESSIONALLY PACKED – FULLY INSURED - SHIPPING
 
Buyer pays NOTHING for professional packing done by me and fully insured shipping. (That is for U.S. LOWER 48 only.) Elsewhere, eBay’s Shipping Calculator works like a charm. All Customs forms will state the actual selling price of items shipped internationally.


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Don’t leave! You just got here, for-cryin’-out-loud.
 
The “Keyword” in this listing is “empathy,” and there is a point to be made.

Never in the 15 years we’ve been offering magnificent treasures stuff on eBay have we seen the number of items listed get so low. Both of us have been down, as in “not up to snuff.” Never have so few achieved so little. We even got a few days behind in packing and shipping.

 
We’re both on the mend and even more able to empathize with this pitiful old painting. When one gets old, stuff starts falling apart. Personally, I deal with it by getting cranky. My dear spouse, She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed, must find other ways to cope because squeezing her in atop the “crankiness scale” would prove equally as challenging as graphing my political leanings. There is little room to stick a pin to the left of Senator Bernie, “the Most Honorable Gentleman from Vermont,” and S-W-M-B-O shattered all records for crankiness long before her 16th birthday and was, even at such a tender age, widely recognized as a crankiness savant.
 
 
A dirt road skirts the south bank of a farm pond where white water lilies drop their petals, and an evening chill whispers secrets of the approaching fall. Seldom traveled, its destination of interest to none save a few old men, the narrowing byway passes near yet seems to ignore a lonely farmhouse as it steals westward where, moments before achieving a sublime oneness with infinity, it is consumed, burned out by a fiery sunset. This inevitable vanishing is witnessed solely and dispassionately by a wake of buzzards, their discordant collective unwinding in silence, perhaps fostering unlikely visions of a bonne bouche, having duteously picked clean the putrefying remains of a beautiful day.
 
 
Dang it! I seem to have had one of my “spells,” led astray by those annoying voices in my head. Even though I have no memory of it, as I look back at all that stuff I just said describing the scene, I fear I may have been temporarily possessed by a demon.
However, though a lot of the surface is gone or planning to depart very soon, and the frame has shed, and is continuing to shed, large chunks of once gilded gesso, it’s not a very big painting. The darn thing is only 9 ½” by 20 ½” overall, and the stretcher holding what’s left of the painting on canvas measures a mere 7 ¼” by 18 ¼”.  (It shouldn't be all that much of an eyesore.)
 
 
It is signed with three initials, lower right. I should say, “as of right now, it is signed.” Unless I spray it with polyurethane or smear it with bacon grease, you may find the three initials somewhere else in the wrapping.
 
 
Son of a gun! I was going to suggest it be displayed flat on its back rather than hung on a wall, but I’m rethinking that. If you’d put the hooks and wire on the front of the frame and hang it with its back to the crowd, it won’t look too awfully bad. And remember, it’s small anyway.
 
The rest of the description with more pictures continues below this memo about my three "Prime Directives:"
1st: I never, under any circumstances, use a reserve, and rarely do I ask for an opening bid of more than $9.00 (sometimes even less).
2nd: I never end auctions early. Well, I take that back. I once busted a piece of glass while packing it. That auction, I had to end early.
3rd: I don’t usually clean, repair, or otherwise monkey around with anything. I push enough dust aside to expose any flaws, but if I discovered it in some dusty attic, you can look forward to a little dust on it when it gets to your house. If it has a flaw or a wart, I'll tell you about it.
So rest easy and have some fun.
Avoid disappointment and future regrets by placing a little tiny bid right now. I mean: What if you forget?
 
Please notice the wire. It’s copper, so there is at least a little scrap value right there.
That’s a copy of Aaron Draper Shattuck’s patent drawing I found on the Internet quite by accident. I was looking for a dancer I once knew up around Indianapolis. Typing in the initials of her “stage name” misdirected me to the patent drawing. Ok, so she was a stripper: I still wonder what ever happened to her, but I guess that’s irrelevant.
 
She went by Angel Destynie S_____. She used her real last name, but I won't mention it here because she, like the rest of the Shepherd family, is (or was) a very private person. She'd have played her cards close to her chest had that been possible.
 
 
 
In all honesty, this painting is one of those pieces I never thought I’d sell.
 
 
Don’t get me wrong. The reason I never thought I’d sell it is that I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting it. (What! Did you think I might be in love with it?) But then a miracle happened. A little thing called eBay came along, and I thought maybe, just maybe I had a chance to get shed of this thing once and for all.
 
 
The secret of professional quality photography, in my opinion anyway, is having all the equipment you need. I use a brass covered box which stays outside, braving the elements year round. I found a possum in it once a few years ago. He was eager to get out, which I reckon he did. He made it all the way to the dinner table, accompanied by collards, butterbeans and cat-head biscuits with both squirrel and chocolate gravy. You can't get food like that at your fancy-smancy five-star set-down restuarants, now can you.
 
 
In case you’re thinking of sending this piece to a restorer, you may want to rethink that. A couple years ago I shipped this one off to mine; a real miracle worker, a master of her trade. She received it and called me right away. That’s the day I learned how disconcerting it can be to hear such a refineded, well educated and gentle lady cuss like a sailor. Her last words to me were: “I can either throw it in the trash right now or set it out back and throw a rag over it. You can pick it up next time you’re in the neighborhood.” Then, and I’ve never quite figured out how she did it, I’d swear I heard a telephone receiver being slammed in my ear, but she uses only a cell phone. How’d she do that?!
 
 
Assuming you’re "a little off," but you can prove you’re not currently under the care of a brain doctor, you may bid now.
But pull your knickers up and caveat all your emptors, because: If for any reason you aren’t totally thrilled, all you’ll have is a relatively odorless reminder to be more careful what you bid on in the future. You might accidentally win, and we’re playin’ keepsies here.
 
(Well . . . if you are a relatively nice person and have a good enough story, I'll refund your money, but I'm afraid you're stuck with the painting.)
 
My preferred method of payment is PayPal.
Buyer pays NOTHING for professional packing done by me and fully insured shipping. (That is for U.S. LOWER 48 only.) Elsewhere, eBay’s Shipping Calculator works like a charm. All Customs forms will state the actual selling price of items shipped internationally.


Click here to go have a look at my other auctions.

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