How to Bend the Laws of Time and Space

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As I am sure that everyone as some point has asked themselves the question, “If I could have any superpower, what would it be?”…I have run the numbers and now know for a fact that the ability to go backwards and forwards in time would pretty much win out over anything else (mostly because if you were to disagree with me, I could just go back to the future and unmake you by introducing your Mom to Biff).

Although I have worked on the design for many time machines (primarily with the intent of “unbuying” all of those things that I bought in the 90’s – My VHS collection, my bright gold Cross-Colors jeans, Shares of Palmpilot stock, etc.), I have actually discovered the following ways to distort the time-space continuum.

1. Surf the Internet
OK, I still don’t know what I did to kill time before the Internet.  Perhaps I read books and got smarter…not sure, let me check.  Yup, I just Googled “What I did before the Internet” and I got a book result.  That must be what I did, because if it is on the Internet, it has to be true.  Surfing the Internet for nothing in particular can actually cause you to jump forward in time (usually from 5:01 PM on a Friday night until 2:00 AM Saturday morning).

2. Schedule a lot of meetings at work
If you schedule a lot of meetings then your day can just fly by.  Every meeting can also have a “pre-meeting” and a “Summary pow-wow” as well.  Bring your laptop with you, because if the meeting is boring, you can always surf the Internet (see item #1 above).
3. Vegas
Vegas, the ultimate in time vortexes.  We all know that there aren’t any clocks on the walls, but oh my goodness, time has absolutely no meaning in this Phantom Zone (I am pretty sure this is where Superman put General Zod and his homeboys).  Vegas is the only place where when you sit down to eat, you are asked “do you want breakfast, lunch or dinner”  (Note:  Denny’s also applies as a time vortex, but that is more because of the décor).  I am pretty sure that all of the flashing lights is the basis for the ability to make a weekend go by in 30 minutes at a hot craps table.  If for any reason that you think that the Vegas trip was faked like an episode of Mission Impossible or our landing on the moon, take a look at your ATM receipts and you will know that you were there for the whole weekend.

How is it that with TIVO I can watch three 30-minute episodes of the Simpson’s in 1 hour?  Have you noticed that they don’t broadcast any of those “America’s Best Commercials” shows on TV anymore…it is probably because the TIVO users out there would watch that entire thing in 15 seconds (common, you got to slow down to watch the ESPN commercials)  TIVO is the ultimate in devices for making television time go faster.

5. Ponder the Awesome Mysteries of the Universe.
Perhaps we should be trying to create a meaning of life rather than trying to discover it.

6. Stairmaster time
Stairmaster time is actually slower than real time.  Based upon the equation of

Time (Stairmaster) = S{U+cK}^ S

where S=the number of hot, atheletic women nearby that might be impressed if you weren’t so feeble.
30 minutes on a stairmaster can be like 3 hours straight of "I never should have eaten that Apple Fritter"...

7. Playing games with 4 year old kids
Playing games with 4-year olds can be unbelievably repetitious.  It is amazing that they can build something out of blocks, knock it down, and then rebuild the *exact same thing* out of blocks again.  10 hours later and you basically have one 10 minute little stack of blocks to show for it.  Seriously, is this how the government learned to do construction projects?
So in is now like 5 minutes later from when you started to read this and it only felt like 4 minutes and 30 now who's awesome?

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